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December 30th, 2008 All the News that is fit to print! 1st Edition
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HUMAN RACE EXHALES
A SIGH OF RELIEF!
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CHENOA, IL. Germaine and Derrick are breeding!! The Happy Couple had this to say: "After careful review of the human condition we have decided to do what not enough smart people are doing, and get down to business. You're welcome." With an expected due date of August 1st the sudden mood swings and cravings will soon give way to sippy cups and dirty diapers. Additionally, the average IQ of planet earth is expected to increase by 10-15 points. Offerings of thanks may be sent to Derrick's Society for Human Improvement, 29327 E 2800 North Rd, Chenoa, IL 61726, United States of America, Planet: Earth.
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Even CEO can't figure out how Radio Shack is still in business
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Weekly Star Guide
CAPRICORN
Dec. 22 - Jan. 19
Your ambitions are usually unrealistically high, and even when they're achieved, you tend to be disappointed.
Stop believing that the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. It isn't!
PISCES
Feb. 19 - Mar. 20
Stop being such a stick in the mud! Ease up and pamper yourself and don't be afraid to bowl a little this weekend. The numbers 7,17 and 80 bode well for you.
Continued on Page 11
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FORT WORTH, TX--Despite having been on the job for nine months, RadioShack CEO Julian Day said Monday that he still has "no idea" how the home electronics store manages to stay open.
"There must be some sort of business model that enables this company to make money, but I'll be damned if I know what it is," Day said. "You wouldn't think that people still buy enough strobe lights and extension cords to support an entire nationwide chain, but I guess they must, or I wouldn't have this desk to sit behind all day."
The retail outlet boasts more than 6,000 locations in the United States, and is known best for its wall-sized displays of obscure-looking analog electronics components and its notoriously desperate, high-pressure sales staff.
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More Inside!!
Family reacts: 'We never saw it coming!' - Page 8 Earth's Economy continues to tumble - Page 2
Elvis is alive!! - Page 3
2 for 1 Pizza deal at Hedgehogs! - Pages 4-7
The Travel Guru says: 'Skip the Gaza Strip" - Page 9
How to skin a chicken - Page 12
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